Simon de Beauvoir《The Woman Destroyed》

西蒙‧波娃雖以女性主義及哲學論述著稱，但她的短篇小說亦很耐看，尤其刻劃女性心理活動很細微，寫出女性在生活上面對的困境。《The Woman Destroyed》發行於1967年，距離《第二性》出版隔約二十年。如果《第二性》是以理論去解釋女人是怎樣成為女人，《The Woman Destroyed》則是以文學去重現女人如何被社會摧殘。這部作品的三篇短篇以不同風格及形式，拼湊出女人徘徊在情緒邊緣的狀態。

〈The Age of Discretion〉

開卷就是關於手錶停擺，時間停頓。這是談歲月的故事。

到底是甚麼時候讓我們感覺到時間的流逝，活在當下時往往不會在意時間，唯有青春不再，才驚訝原來歲月不留人，感慨回頭已是百年身。

敍事者是退休的文學學者，與其結婚多年的科學家丈夫生活幸福如常，無風無浪。事業有成，家庭美滿，簡直是人生完美的楷模。她與丈夫一同老去，她質疑丈夫過份悲觀地看待自己再無法在事業上有突破，甚至覺得身邊人已經不是當初所愛的人，只是一個老人而已。

但故事說下去就知道，她的生命其實暗湧處處，一切都是她的焦慮的投映。她刻意與比自己年輕的學生或同事來往，以竊取那點逐漸逝去的好奇心與精力。越是拒絕承認，越突顯她的恐懼：對身形的焦慮，對事業的執著，對兒子成家立室的害怕。

因為兒子拒絕完成論文，結婚後由岳父引薦進入文化部工作，因而與母親產生衝突。母親埋怨兒子變得世俗，早幾個月仍投訴文化政策，轉眼卻要成為他曾經睥睨的一份子。無法認同兒子的選擇（工作及妻子），於是與兒子決裂。而她引以為傲的事業亦不如意，新出版的作品被批評重複及陳腔濫調。丈夫想要修補兩人關係，給她一點歇息空間，邀約她到母親家度假，但她賭氣讓丈夫先出行後又疑心丈夫不想與自己相處。

看似美滿的生活逐漸瓦解，迫使她重新對自己不願面對的事實。失去是必然的過程，唯有坦然接受才可以安然。

〈The Monologue〉

這是一篇意識流的作品，一個女人在除夕夜失眠時的內心獨白，將失眠時的念頭都紀錄下來，非常誠實，甚至坦白得有點難看，她批評身邊的一切，鄰居慶祝的歡呼聲，即使是瑣事都不留情面地辱罵，小題大做的惹人生厭。

但隨著她的自言自語，就逐漸揭開為甚麼她變成這樣的人，年輕女兒自殺後，她被責怪成罪魁禍首，丈夫、兒子與母親相繼離她而去。歡騰的除夕夜與她的孤寂形成強烈的對比，那種不被理解的寂寞，孤立無援卻無處可去的絕望。

〈The Woman Destroyed〉

點題作，以日記形式，去瞭解Monique的心理變化，看一個已婚十多年的中年女人怎樣失去自己、失去丈夫。Monique的自相矛盾、自欺欺人叫人看得心痛，雖然小說沒有交待最後女主角回到法國的未來是怎樣，然而將女人的徬徨以及恐懼鉅細無遺的呈現。

從最初得悉丈夫有婚外情，包容、忍讓，天真的相信他會回心轉意，到後來發現丈夫真的變心，再無法挽回後便情緒崩潰。Monique本來也是醫科生，最後選擇結婚，全心投入家庭，卻對丈夫的事業或家庭以外的事置若罔聞。丈夫埋怨妻子生活只有家庭，不思進取，結果愛上那個生活精彩豐盛的女人。在Monique眼中的第三者庸俗、膚淺、沒有責任感，但丈夫卻覺得她有熱情、有內容。

Monique的兩個女兒是兩種女人的典型，恰巧是對照，一個選擇相夫教子，一個則遠赴美國自立。後來Monique情緒崩潰，需要約診精神科醫生，幾近家人勸說終於決定旅行散心，到美國探望女兒Lucienne。她在感情關係自由開放，坦言自己不會為了任何人而犧牲自己，亦勸說母親不該把所有責任扛在自己身上。

西蒙波娃書寫的年代，許多女人仍要在家庭及事業中取捨，她的日記顯示一個女人關在四壁裡，生活過份依賴丈夫及兒女，最終可能只會令自己凋零，也在夫妻間築起一道牆，鴻溝相距太遠便無法再接近。

當她憧憬的理想生活幻滅，她剩下來的就只有自己，唯有認清現實的殘酷，才能活下去。

***

書摘：

“A long life filled with laughter, tears, quarrels, embraces, confessions, silences, and sudden impulses of the heart: and yet sometimes it seems that time has not moved by at all. The future still stretches out to infinity.” (P.8)

“Maybe it is during those moments, as I watched him disappear, that he exists for me with the most overwhelming clarity: his tall shape grows smaller, each pace marking out the path of his return; it vanishes and the street seems to be empty; but in act it is a field of energy that will lead him back to me as to his natural habitat: I find this certainty even more moving than his presence” (P.8)

“The world brings itself into being before my eyes in an everlasting present: I grow used to its different aspects so quickly that it does not seem to me to change.” (P.9)

“The bond that physical happiness brings into being between a man and woman is something whose importance I tend to underestimate.” (P.22)

“Dreadful anomaly of the anger that is born of love and that murders love.” (P.35)

“The telephone – it is not a thing that brings people nearer: it underlines their remoteness. You are not together as you are in a conversation, for you do not see one another. You are not alone as you are in front of a piece of a paper that allows you to talk inwardly while you are addressing the other – to seek out and find the truth.” (P.49)

“the first reluctance snowballs – you no longer dare confess because then you would also have to admit to having lied. It is an even more impossible hurdle for people who rate sincerity so very high, as we do.” (P.116)

“All women think they are different; they all think there are some things that will never happen to them; and they are all wrong.” (p.116)

“When you hit against a stone at first you only feel the impact – the pain comes after.” (P.122)

“Each time I think I have got to the very bottom. And then I sink even farther down into doubt and unhappiness.” (P.148)

“One never mentions the disagreeable feelings and the uneasiness that one cannot give a name to, but that exist nevertheless.” (P.148)

“When this happens to other people it seems to be a limited, bounded event, east to ring around and to overcome. And then you find yourself absolutely alone, in a hallucinating experience that your imagination had not even begun to approach.” (P.167)

“Why doesn’t he love me any more? The question is, why did he love me in the first place? One never asks oneself. Even if one is neither vain nor self-obsessed, it is so extraordinary to be oneself – exactly oneself and no one else – and so unique, that it seems natural that one should also be unique for someone else. He loved me, that’s all. And for ever, since I should always be me. (And I have been astonished at this blindness, in other women. Strange that one can only understand one’s own case by the help of other people’s experience – experience that is not the same as mine, and that doesn’t help). (P.168-169)

“To know your limits you have to be able to go beyond them: in other words, you have to be able to jump right over your own shadow.” (P.175)

“Intelligence withers if it is not fed.” (P.183)

“A woman is never happy unless what she is given has been violently wrenched from another. It is not the thing in itself that counts: it is the victory won.” (P.192)

“And I saw that words say nothing. Rages, nightmares, horror – words cannot encompass them. I set things down on paper when I recovered strength, either in despair or in hope. But the feeling of total bewilderment, of stunned stupidity, of falling to pieces – these pages do not contain them.” (P.193-194)